Stories that will make you laugh out loud

“That’s some wool that you don’t want pulled over your eyes!”

That’s one stinky lamb!

Depending on the order that you are reading these stories, you may or may not know that I grew up in a small town called Grouse Creek, Utah. 

You may or may not know that although I grew up with electricity, I did not make my first phone call until I was 8 years of age.

We simply lived too far off the line to get a phone… 

You may or may not know that for the first several years of my life, we did not have a septic tank, we had a sess pool, and finally… You may or may not know, that I was once a Shephard…

The title of Shephard is one that I do not take lightly. I realize that that last statement was made in the past tense.

True, I no longer have a herd of sheep, but it is like I have always said, once a shepherd, always a shepherd.When I was 7 years old, I was good friends with Ernest and Celeste Kimber.

Ernest and Celeste were much older than I, I am guessing they were both in their 60’s when I came into the picture.

They were such dear friends.

Ernest was a salty kind of guy – both salty in his nature, but also salt of the earth as well.

Celeste was a kind soul. My Dad and I would go over to their home, a few miles from ours, practically every weekend.

Dad for a cup of fresh coffee, and me for a cold soda from the fridge. 

Ernest and Celeste were so kind to us, and I always looked forward to the trips that I would take to their home with my Dad.

It was kind of our thing. Dad and I would always help out around their house as they needed things.

Fixing the water, working on their truck… I even remember Ernest calling Dad one time claiming that he had “an old heifer that had done turned herself inside out!”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I must say that when we got there, the summation given by Ernest was more accurate that I had hoped….

That’s a whole other story…. 

Needless to say, our relationship with Ernest and Celeste was a good one.

Ernest and Celeste also were partly responsible for my love of animals.

They were always giving me cats to take home. Usually wild cats. I mean wild. Not sit in your lap and purr while their being petted cats,  but cats that took real skill in catching, and then cats that would scratch your face off, given the chance.

These were leather glove cats to be sure. Meaning you had better have one leather gloves if you were dumb enough to try and catch one…

But one way or another, I would always catch and throw it in the cab of the truck, haul it home, and then the “Lion Taming” would begin.

I got to say, those always made for interesting rides home… 

One Spring Saturday morning, Dad and I went over to Ernest and Celeste’s for our weekly trip.

However, this time was special. I went to their home a boy, and came home a shepherd!

They gave me my first bum lamb! Or in laymen’s terms, a lamb that had lost its mother.

I was to raise this lamb with a bottle! I could not believe their generosity! This was no wild barn cat, this was a lamb! I could not have been more excited!

This is how for the next 15 years, I would be a full-time shepherd! I grew my flock from one bum lamb to a flock of over 75!  

The following story is one involving a little lamb and our cess pool! 

Not a good combination… 

Growing up with a cess pool is a unique thing – I know that now, I did not know that then. It was something that you just stayed clear of.

The natural aroma helped us all accomplish that.

For that reason, it was never really fenced off.

I remember when I was very young, it was partially covered with old rail road ties, but after the Pete’s Dragon and Sess Pool incident, there were not many ties left! It was a beautiful fall day. 

The weather was still nice – some might don a jacket, but not me, I was too busy running around to get cold. I loved (and still do) this time of year! 

My older brother Wade and I were working in the yard, raking up some leaves. 

I was pretty engaged in my work, when my shepherding senses came alive!

Something was not right…

I heard a commotion coming from the south end of the yard, right next to the cess pool.

Being a trained shepherd, I recognized one of my own.

Clearly what I was hearing was a sheep in distress!

The bleating of this lamb was heart breaking!

“What in the world could be wrong?”

I thought to myself as I carelessly threw my rake aside and ran headstrong to the desperate sounds emanating from one of my lambs!

“Could it be a coyote?

Surely not this close to the house.” 

The worst was running through my brain as I approached our cess pool, that spot where, best as I could tell, the horrible lamenting bleats of the lamb were coming from.

Weeds had grown high around the sess pool, not lacking for need of nourishment, and escaping the threat of the mower due to the pungent smell.

I slowed as I approached.

Cleary one of my lambs was in danger!

My lamb!

Again, my mind ran wild,

“Coyote?”

“Cougar?”

Slowly, and with the trepidation of a big game hunter on safari, I made my way through the tall weeds, all of my senses teaming with the excitement of the unknown….

What was I going to find?

I didn’t know, but the foreboding feeling I had in my stomach and the sudden presence of ominous music playing in the background was surely not a good sign. 

As I peeked my head through the last of the weeds,

I saw it.

No wild animal, just a little lost lamb that had strayed from the fold. And boy had he strayed!

Strayed far enough to find himself neck deep in… well, neck deep in nasty, rotten, stinky sewage!

I don’t know if sheep can swim, I have never googled it.

And I for sure didn’t know the depth of the cess pool, but it was deeper that little lambs legs…

That lamb was doing its best to keep its little lamb nose above water!

My shepherd instincts flew into action!

What to do?

How was I to save this little lamb from what was sure to be a cruel and unusual way to die?!

As any little brother would, I called to my older brother Wade.

Older brothers – wise, proud, willing to put their neck on the line for their little brothers.

Wade was no different, he had (and would in the future as well) save me from many a bully.

Yes, I would call on the sage advice that can only come from a big brother.“Wade!” I shouted, with clear terror in my voice.

“Come help! Hurry up I need you!”

I pleaded in a way that only a little brother filled with fear can.

To Wade’s credit he dropped his rake instantly and was by my side in two seconds flat!

Yes, this was my big brother!

Wade would know exactly what to do! 

As Wade approached, it did not take him long to ascertain the situation.

Little lamb, lots of poo. 

Just as I was waiting for Wade to rip off his shirt and dive head first into the salacious muck, as any normal hero would, he stopped short, turned around and went back to raking leaves.

“What are you doing?” I cried.

“You have got to help me get this little lamb to safety!” 

Wade looked at me, looked at the sess pool and simply said “No way am I going in there!

Your herd just got smaller by one!” 

I stood in numb disbelief.

First of all, it’s a flock not a herd, but no matter… wouldn’t expect a non-shepherd to know that…

Was my older brother serious?

Did he really intend for this little lamb to meet his end by asphyxiating on stuff that came from peoples….

You get the idea. 

Short answer in Wade’s (the super non shepherd) mind was yes.

Time was not a luxury that I had.

Little lamb was wearing out.

Dad was out in the field, and Wade had clearly made his intentions known.

If this little lamb was to see the sunrise of another day, it was up to me, and only me!

What happened next, happened fast.

I smashed down the weeds around me the best I could, then laying down I army crawled to the side of the cess pool.

Needless to say, the smell was anything but desirable. 

With all the reach that I had in me, I reached, willing my fingers to go just a bit further, and then I felt it… soft wool. 

I grasped the little lamb around his neck, and then I began to pull. I pulled with all of my might!

Slowly but surely, I was making head way. I was going to save this little lamb!

It is worth noting here, that wool… when wet… is super, super heavy!

With the very last bit of energy I had within, I heaved this lamb onto dry ground!

Actually, this lamb was more on top of me than the ground, which made me, for a split second, second guess my heroic actions of just a few moments ago.

Would I really have missed this  little guy?

As I lay there contemplating, this lamb did something that I can only assume is instinct in the animal world upon finding themselves wet.

Starting from the tip of his ears to his little bobbed tail, he started to shake.

Much like a dog does after getting out of a lake.

Water, and in this case small nasty bits of stuff, went everywhere, but mainly on me.

My little body shielded the world around me. I was covered in excrement! With that, this lamb bounced once, and then ran off to join the rest of his little wooly friends!

He didn’t even bleat out a little “Thaaaannnk Yooouuuuu.” 

Of course, as we all know, sheep have never set themselves apart as being the most gracious of animals… 

As I found my feet, I heard another loud noise.

Laughter.

Wade was laughing… deep, rolling belly laughter…. Leaning on his rake for support… until even the rake couldn’t take it any more… he fell to the ground, rolling around, holding his sides….  looking like he was having some form of seizure!

His laughter filled our yard!

He said something clever, I am sure, I just can’t remember what it was.

With all of the pride that my little body could muster, I held my head high, brown rivulets streaming down my face,  and strode past him, off in the direction of the house.

As I approached the door, I saw Mom… of course!

Good old Mom, my number one fan!

She would take me in her arms and shower me with kisses and hugs for my heroic act…

Well…

Mom was there to meet me, however she was silent, showcasing a look that only Moms can…

If I were to verbalize it, it would go something like this: “I can’t even imagine that you are contemplating coming inside my house in the state that you are in….”

She didn’t have to say anything….

She simply pointed to the hose….

I looked up at her, my eyes pleading….

And then, I shuffled off to the hose….

Oh so so cold… 

Did I stink?

Yes.

Did I feel a sense of accomplishment for saving one of God’s creatures from an untimely, awful, horrible death?

Yes.

Did I wish that I could push my brother into the cess pool?

Yes. 

Six Months Later…

It was shearing day.

When this particular lamb made his way to the professional sheep shearer for his annual haircut, I noticed a little contortion in the sheep shearer’s face.

He looked at the lamb, looked at me, and then back at the lamb with his now pale brown wool….

With a look that implied he doesn’t get paid enough for his efforts, he grabbed the lamb by the feet and sheered him faster than any other lamb around.

My job was to gather up the wool, which I did, however this little lamb’s wool was to be set off to the side.

Who wants a pair of wool mittens stained brown and stinky?