Dave wakes up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, which causes the podcast to take a slight detour from our respective small towns… There are certain things that should never be done to another man’s pillow. Dave refuses to eat a green bean, and Jason warms up his arm by throwing florets of broccoli… 

    Welcome, millions, perhaps billions of faithful podcast listeners. We are your host, Jason Kimber and Dave Simmons. We'll bring you along with us as we share life stories from our experiences living in small towns, or in Jason's case, an unincorporated community. That's true, along with genius suggestions for solving the world's problems and a whole lot of laughs.

This is The Small Towns podcast. Time for another podcast. Exciting to be here. How you doing? I'm all right. You know it, it's a beautiful Saturday morning. I'm, I'm looking for a little bit more than I'm All right. You seem a little, uh, a little, uh, to use the word salty. Yeah. Kids are the worst, you know, that.

You know, I actually wouldn't mind. You know, pick your medium, whether it be a wood-burning sign or a vinyl, or maybe you could cross stitch that on a beautiful banner. I think it needs to be everywhere in life. I think when put it on anything you wanna put it on, I think it'll be okay. 'cause look, I love 'em.

My kids are the best. They're also the worst. They're the best until they're the worst. Exactly. You know what? Maybe we should just scrap all of our ideas for this podcast. Okay. Let's just change the world today for the better. For the better. Yeah. Let's impose some advice to people out there to change the world for the better.

I think that's a great direction. The thought that came to my mind at that very moment. Remember that famous song in the eighties? I believe that Children Outta the Answer, right? Well, they're really not. They're not the only, the children are not the future. No, that's right. That's the answer to the future.

Yeah, they would be the future. If they would listen to us more. Right. Just do what I tell you to do. It's really not that hard. Exactly. I mean, and it starts in the home. I think if we could just help people understand the, just the ABCs of living with other human beings. I like, I really like kind of the direction the, our discussion is going this morning because, Changing the world like this, this almost could be like a p s a, like a public service announcement.

Again, you, you mentioned earlier, you're gonna change the world and what better way to start than in the home? So we'll send this podcast out to the world and as people want to share it on P b s or wherever, it's just, you know, get in touch with our people. Yes. Who are your people? Uh, I don't have a lot of people, but the hashtag, the more you know.

I mean, this could maybe even turn into, though you remember those Saturday morning 22nd blurbs about learning things and being better. I feel like this could become an animated segment for those types of situations. Yeah. Well, let's start here. Okay. This is, I'm, I'm, you can feel free to write it down if you want to put it to memory, because I think everybody should have this in the memory bank as they're just living their day-to-day life.

Okay. Let's go with the bolt list. Let's go number one. This is what you do or don't do for that matter when you're living with another human being. Okay. In my home, rule number one, Don't fart on my pillow. Alright, on my pillow. I have to put my face there every night. I don't need your bum grease on my pillow.

I put my, my face there. These are the places I need to have my face. Yeah. I'd rather that your bum grease not be there. Okay. That's a fair request. I don't think it's very hard. No, but you're sitting on my pillow. A, you shouldn't be sitting on my pillow. You shouldn't be sitting on your pillow. Well, I don't know why.

My place on the bed seems to be where everybody wants to go. I don't mean to interrupt you, but I want to, there's a couple things I wanna talk about. One, a new phrase that I've learned in the last few seconds is, Bum grease. Yeah. It's, it's probably, it's a real thing. It's a side effect. Yeah. I would imagine two.

Like, where is your pillow? 'cause like my pillow is always kept in, in my bedroom and I don't have a lot of traffic in my bedroom. Well, that's problem. See, with however we decided to lay this home out. Sure. My room seems to be the hangout and I don't like it. I, yeah. Why can't we have somewhere else be the hangout?

Susie's like, no, our room needs to have, you know, people should be able to come in there. No, no, no, no. Years ago, I went into my room and the neighbor kids were in there watching tv. No, listen, it's not okay. That's not okay. No, no. But my side of the bed is kind of when you first come into the bedroom, my side of the bed is there.

More often than not, I go in my room and someone is laying right in my spot. I just wanna sit there. I just wanna sit there. This needs to be rule number one. I don't care if somebody else sleeps with their head on a rock. Don't fart on that rock. No, don't, don't. Because I mean, if you did sleep with your head on a rock, there would probably be not as big of an issue because, because a rock is not porous.

At least most rocks, I don't know. Kids are stinky. They are. But the issue that I'm struggling, like in my, I have a very overactive imagination, so in my mind, Dave, you're coming in. After a long, hard day's work, you just kinda want to have a few minutes, catch some Zs. Maybe just, just close my eyes for just a moment.

Just a few seconds of shuteye. Mm-hmm. You know, before your evening activities begin, you know, help Susie with dinner, wrestle the kids, whatever needs to happen, you give the pillow. A fluff that's, you kind of don't wanna fluff it, you don't wanna do that because that, like, just by the nature of that activity, it's releasing whatever has been tracked in that pillow.

Yeah. And in this case, a good dose of bum grease. Yeah. Oh, it's not good. Six. Six. So, okay. Rule number one, don't do it. That's rule number, right? Shouldn't that be for any person, anywhere, any nationality? Don't fart on other people's pillows. Yeah. I mean, I, as with every rule that has ever been made, You think?

Why is that a rule? Well, it's a rule because obviously somebody broke it. Yeah. So the need was, hence this public service announcement. I'm glad you got it out there. We can continue to talk about this discussion because I had another thought that came up and I'm gonna give Susie the benefit of the doubt that she's not the number one perpetrator of this.

Yeah, I'm gonna say that my grown adult life. She's not, she's never farted on my tongue. No, no. To my knowledge. To your knowledge. I mean, I don't, yeah, but let's just give her the benefit of the doubt to my knowledge. Your kids though, however, yes. And probably some of the neighbor kids. Oh no, I never thought of that.

The neighbor kids. So along that vein, I love my kids too. I love them deeply. I am grateful for them. I've got two beautiful daughters. They're sweet, they're kind, they're caring. But when we get into my truck, it as if they have forgotten how to eat. Now, I, I am a little bit lenient. I'm a little bit lax. I allow food in the truck.

Yeah, I'm going to eat in the truck. I'm sure you've lost a fry down the side. Sure. Who hasn't? No. Everybody has. We're gonna talk about, I don't, don't let me forget about this because one time I was eating an In-N-Out burger. Mm-hmm. It just came to me, but this is a tangent. I want to get it out there. I wanna come back around.

I lost tomato, but I didn't lose it. But I wanna come back around to that. Okay. The problem being, when you are raised, again, to tie it back a little bit, to small town, when you are raised. In a remote area, of course you're gonna eat in a vehicle because anytime you go anywhere, it's like a journey. Yeah.

It's like a day's journey. The closest store to you guys besides the little co-op, if you will. Yeah. Which isn't really a store. It was like a mini maverick if you No, it wasn't. I've seen it. It's, that's a shed. It's just, but it had delicious cokes and candy bars in it. True. And a loaf of bread and gallon milk.

70 miles. So of course you're gonna need to eat on the way. That's amazing. Um, so I always let the kids eat in the truck, but when I'm married into the Swensen family mm-hmm. I'm here to tell you they take eating in the car to the next level because if you go from my house to. Downtown Logan. It's a journey of three miles.

You gotta stop treats. I'm, I'm only slightly exaggerating a little bit, so again, we in the truck, but to get back to the, the grievance here, if you will. Yeah. The airing of grievances to reference our dear uh, Frank Costanza. My girls get in the truck, they open up maybe a bag of Doritos. They're eating 'em like the cookie monster.

I mean, chips are going everywhere. They open up maybe a soda or something, and then they just simply put the soda like on the armrest. Like not in the cup holder, it's an open can of soda or bottle of soda on the armrests. It's trouble as if it's just going to magically balance there. Yeah. Through the course of whatever journey we're taking.

It's trouble, Jason. I know it's ridiculous, but they don't ridiculous think things through the older they get. I'm not sure they're getting any smarter. I hope. I don't know if like something clicks like at 18. I don't know. Well, I got a 21. And a 17. Okay. Yeah. They're, they're may be a little better than the younger.

Sure. Sure. But that's 'cause I've really had to harp on 'em for years. Sure. You don't leave a wet towel on your bedroom floor for days on end. Yeah. You, you just, we have a place to hang 'em. You get done, you hang up your towel, off you go. My towel is the only one hung up in that and I, and I share that bathroom with three boys.

So there are four of us and there are pegs for four towels. Never is there somebody else's towel on there, but mine. You go down to their rooms everywhere. Well, why is that hard? Again, I just want to, a little bit of devil's advocate here, Dave. Are the hooks like, like far away from the shower, like perhaps in another, in the next room?

You could almost bump your head on 'em. They are. They couldn't be more right there. So they're convenient. They are accessible to the shower. Yeah. Griff's been known to get to the bottom of the stairs, which is still, he's got probably another 20, 30 steps to his bedroom. He's been known to drop the towel at the bottom of the stairs and run for his life.

Now I'm hoping nobody else is down there. Yeah. Why? But you find a towel at the bottom of the stairs. Fine. But then when he comes back upstairs, steps over the towel. Yeah. And continues upstairs leaving the towel. Well, I mean, maybe he needs it for leaving. Look at the next time to look at, yeah. I don't know.

There's really no defense. There's no conceivable reason for this. Mm-hmm. When they get home from school. Oh yes. There are hooks by the back door. Hang up your bags. If you're gonna take your shoes off, take 'em to your room. Last night before going to bed, there were at least five pairs of shoes outside of my bedroom door.

The real question is, is like, why would it be your bedroom door? I don't, because they go to sit on my pillow to do, to do unmentionable things, things to you, things to pillow, pillows. It's the wor kids are the worst. They're the worst. They are the worst. I've been saying it for years. Nobody will listen. Um, I realized that our beautiful sweet wives.

Sometimes may listen to this podcast. I hope they do. They well, they probably need to help edit the thing. Yeah. And I don't wanna really necessarily throw Heather under the bus here, but, but kind of. You do. But kinda, I mean, she does one thing. I don't know even know if I, she, this may be the first time she hears about this.

Oh no. It's probably not a great idea. But our garbage, like, I think probably most people, not all, but our garbage just sits underneath the sink. And so one of my jobs is I typically take the garbage out. Okay. Happy to do it. I'm fine. I don't mind it. I mean, you, you pull the garbage out, grab the handles, you know, cinch that glide bag up, throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier.

Thank you very much. Take it outside. Throw in the bin, you're good to go. But Heather does a very unique thing. If there is something that's large, like a cereal box or say a carton of milk or something, she never puts it inside the garbage. She puts it to the side 'cause she thinks it's gonna take up space in the garbage bag.

Jason, I am all on Heather's side on this. I know. Oh, Dave, I was nervous about this. Yeah. Oh, if you have something that is gonna take up a significant amount, no, here's, I'm not on her side. Okay. Just walk it out. Okay. Yeah, just walk it out. If it's not, if it's too big to go in the regular garbage. If you're basically putting a garbage in another garbage.

Yeah, like a garbage can in another garbage can. It's too big. Yeah. Okay. Take it out. Or if you're gonna put it in the garbage now you gotta take the whole garbage out. That's fine too. Yeah, but let's think this through. Yes. You know what? It's the recycling situation where, oh hey, I got a milk thing, or I got a cereal box that can't go in the regular garbage.

Gotta go in the recycle. So I'm not gonna put it in the garbage can. I'm gonna set it off to the side. No good. Yeah, you've just put garbage off. You gotta walk out. And at my house, maybe six steps. Yeah. This is not hard. Well, Suzy's just as bad. She'll set some, she'll set, oh, it's recycling. Well then walk it outta the recycle.

They'll walk the recycle bin. Because, and maybe that's, I again, I haven't broached this subject with Heather and probably I should because it is, as I think about it, is it is recyclable type of materials. Yeah. But the point being is that, That box of cereal, that empty box of cereal just like sits there for like ever, because then it's like a, it's like a battle of the wheels for me.

Like I ain't touching it. Yeah. Hey, that's not my jump. That's like, like I'm taking the garbage out. Yeah. And everything that I threw in the garbage. I threw in the garbage. Yep. I don't know. I mean, I, well, you know what I do is I, I'm the one that sees it. Well, I'm sure everyone sees it. Our garbage is right as you're going out into the garage.

So as you're going out to the car to leave for the day or whatever, uhhuh, I see it and grab it and throw it away. But I grumble every time I'm like, oh, these guys I don't think ever thinks about me. Everybody thinks about himself and then I do it, and then I get home and there's more. Yeah. And it, it's just never ending.

Now I actually in the spirit of like, oh, I don't know. Just trying to be a decent husband and man. Yeah. There is one thing that I do that Heather actually called me on the other day. Oh. And I didn't realize, I mean, of course it's a horrible thing that I do, but the funny thing is, is she thought it was the kids that were doing that, that the girls were doing.

She's so juvenile. I know. And so bad. So she actually was kind of like, Can you believe that the girls do this? And for a few minutes, I actually thought, oh yeah, I'm just gonna love girls. Take the hit on this one. Take fall on this one. Um, one of my bad habits, and maybe this is maybe not just kids of the worst.

Maybe I'm the worst. I'll get a delicious piece of fruit from the fridge. Okay. Maybe a nice crispy apple. Crisp apple. Okay. Love them. I mean, you bite 'em, they crunch. Delicious. You gotta wash 'em. Of course. So pull it out, eh, you know it is soft. But go ahead. But what you gotta do, you got you, you pull that apple, crisp apple, you know that.

Honey. Crisp apple. Sorry, honey. Crisp apple outta the crispr. There's that little sticker on the apple. Yeah, I always peel it off and then I actually just stick it to the counter. Why would you do that? Just to the side of the counter. I just stick it there and leave it. And leave it and leave it. Heather thought it was the girls.

Well, I would've too. Yeah. That can't be a grown man thing to do. And so she's like, why do the girls do that? And I was like, I don't know. Yeah. Well, they're the worst. They're the worst. And I'm like, that's actually me. So you did admit it. I did. Yeah. I owned up to it. Well, that's big of you. I mean, that's a step in the right direction.

And I says, and while we're at it, why do you leave empty boxes of cereal under the sink? Yeah. Geez. I don't know. But kids, I mean, I don't ever want to get off the top. I mean, kids are the worst for sure. But I do remember as a kid, oh boy, I, I don't know if I ever came clean. I'm sure my mom of course, found out about this, but as a kid, I hated all vegetables.

Mm-hmm. I, I just, I mean, who, I don't know a lot of kids that do like them, we had to at least try things. So like, if we had broccoli for dinner, my mom would put like one tiny little floret, you know? I mean, is that what those are? I think so. Oh. But like in my mind, it was like the size of a tree. I mean, it just huge.

I swear one time though this, it was like huge. And she's like, well Jason, you're not like, you are not leaving the dinner table until that's gone. Yeah. I had things to do. Yeah, well sure you did. Of course I did. She turned her back full schedule. Yeah. Things that you needed to get. I had things to do buddy.

I took that. She turned her back for a split second. And we don't need to go through the floor plan on my double wide trailer, but let's just say that the kitchen table was close to, you know, the living room where we'd watch tv, okay? Which is close to the couch. This will be another podcast episode as well.

I, as you know, I don't have a great arm on me. You know, I'm not a great athlete. No, but we worked on it. We worked on it, and it's better now. However, my mom turned her back for a split second. I took that piece of broccoli and I hucked it into the living room. And I tell you what, miraculously that sucker hit the curtains and fell down behind the couch.

Oh, hey. Good shot on your part. Thank you so much. Never heard anything about it again. And my mom's like, well, thank you. Wasn't that hard, was it? I'm like, actually, the throw was a little hard. Had to take a crow hop and everything, but, but may, may I be excused. And she's like, sure. And I never, we didn't have animals in the house.

I didn't You have a dog? No, not inside the house. So I don't know what, but what self-respecting dog lead to piece of broccoli. I just have a lot of butter on it. I would That's true. I mean, when I make broccoli it's more like butter with broccoli. Yeah, butter with a hint of what, what'd you call it? A, it's not sprig, right?

Oh, like a floret. Oh yeah. A floret butter with a floret broccoli on it. Exactly. Hey, would you like any, um, broccoli with your butter? Yeah, that's how I go. I do it. So what's the worst vegetable for you? I like most vegetables now. That's a tough one, buddy. I think my body would rebuke most vegetables.

Really? Yeah. I'm not gonna eat 'em. You're a grown man. I know. Yeah, it's true. But like green beans can't get 'em down. Really? No. That was one of those ones for me. I, my story was sitting at the table was with green beans. I tried Jason. I tried and I just, you know how you get the dry heat or the heaps?

Yeah. I couldn't, I couldn't get those things down. Yeah. In fact, a few years ago I'm like, well, I'm grown now. Sure. I should be able to eat a green bean. Soldier through. Couldn't get through it. You couldn't do it. No, I, I tried to swallow that and I went, I ended up having to run to the sink and launch it. I can't eat a green be I know, I wish that, I mean, I do love that this is a podcast, but sometimes I wish we had video because like I know, like, come on buddy.

Like you're just No, those are gross. Just soldier through it. I did eat some cooked carrots the other day. Did you? Yeah, I felt pretty good about it. Wow. Well, Sue's made some chicken soup. And she cut up some, I gotta pull out, she cuts the celery up really big chunks so I can pull 'em out. 'cause I'm not gonna eat that.

That's gross. Heather does the same thing. She makes a great chicken noodle soup, but she, when I say she cuts up the celery, it's basically like a whole stock. Apparently she wants it for the flavor. Yeah. But like, but I don't wanna eat. Its no, yeah. I mean, I like it. No, that's sick. And then she had cut up some carrots and I was done with the chicken and the noodle portion of it.

And those carrots were just looking at me like, seriously. So I had one or two, but I'm not gonna eat a lot of 'em. I was gonna say, how do you even see at night? I don't know. I just walk around and bump into things. Oh man, I tell you what, um, there are a lot of things that our kids do. I'm just trying to think.

Well, the older they get, we love 'em. They, they're just different problems. Maybe that's another episode to have is just problems that children can bring in your life. But overall, I'm not gonna trade 'em in. No, I love 'em. I do love 'em. They're good kids. They're good kids. Um, but I don't want 'em to get cocky, you know?

Listen, listen to this podcast. My dad really thinks I'm a pretty good kid. Well, you know. Don't get cocky. Yeah. You, you, you're good. But you got some room. Yeah, we, we could work. We got a lot of work to do. And I'll keep telling you what that is exactly. Now, um, let's wrap things up. Let's wrap things up just as a little teaser for, I don't even know if it'll be next time, per se, the order of these, but let's not forget about that tomato.

Yeah. We really should get into that. And the whole premise of that is like, Eating whilst driving. It's a dangerous game. You shouldn't do it. It's distracted driving, but But you do it well when you got 30 miles of dirt road. Oh yeah. You're gonna need, like you said, you're gonna have, what is it called?

Provisions. Provisions. We're gonna have to have some provisions because it's like, it's like every day of my life was the Oregon Trail. That's right. And you tried to shoot deer and it came out in five little bullets and I. How long you, Hey, you got it. It was about five minutes ago, but I got it. Kids, you're the worst.

But we love you. We really do. Thanks again, folks for listening to another episode of The Small Towns Podcast. We're pretty sure we've changed your life for the better. If not, well, we'll try again next time.