Stories that will make you laugh out loud

I have always loved animals.

I have always been pretty good with them.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no horse whisperer, but I have always enjoyed animals. 

Yet another of the many reasons why growing up in Grouse Creek, Utah was a great thing.

I had lots of animals. I had cats, dogs, sheep, cows, one horse, some fish… 

I wanted more, specifically I wanted a bird – still do in fact.

The reason that I don’t have a bird now, is the same reason that I did not have a bird as a child.

My wife (now) and my mom (then) both have strict policies when it comes to animals in the home.

Simply put, there will be none. 

Before you start wondering how I managed to care for fish outside, the fish tank with my wife and my mom has always been the one and only exception.

Note the fact that with my mom, it took years and years of pleading and begging for her to acquiesce on this issue.

Had it not been for some neighbors moving out of Grouse and needing a place to pawn off their fish, I probably to this day would still be hoping for some fish! 

Grouse Creek was a great place to have animals outside!

They, much like the deer and the antelope in their famous song, can play – play to their hearts content!

Not until I was in college did I even know what a dog kennel was. None of my dogs ever had to be confined in a kennel!

The world was their kennel!

As it should be…

For the most part I was and still am good with the no animal in the house policy, however I still would like a bird…

As a child, however, I longed, I mean really longed for the day when my dog and my cats could come in the house.

For the most part I liked my dogs and my cats better than my brother and sister, and there were days that I think my mother agreed with me, so why could they not come in?

It wasn’t like I wanted Cinders(my dog) to sit up at the table and have dinner with us, I mean really, Cinders lacked opposable thumbs, there was no way she would be able to cut up her steak in tiny bite sized pieces like she  preferred.

That was the sous chefs’ job!  

Well regardless of my constant equal treatment of animals campaign, my Mothers heart and will was set in this matter.

NO ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE!

So.

So Cold…. 

It has been said: “To a man with a hammer, everything is a nail.”

This was true for me as a child, and it is true for me today.

Why is it, that when we get told no, we only want the thing or action that much more?

This is a fascinating study, one that somebody should really take and run with. 

Mom said no animals in the house, but did she really mean it?

She actually did, but that did not stop me from sneaking my animals in the house every chance I got!

Saturday morning usually found me staked out in front of the TV wrapped in a blanket with a little kitty tucked somewhere, just out of mom’s view.

There were a couple of times that this activity of mine almost got the best of me.

One time I tried to sneak Cinders into the house, but for just a minute.

After all, Cinders was a big black lab, there was no hiding her in the folds of a blanket!

My timing was ill conceived, as I attempted this sneak in during dinner.

Cinders got one whiff of dinner cooking and she bolted for the kitchen!

Mom was not impressed.

Another time, I snuck a cat in…not a kitten, but a cat.

A wild cat at that.

And “sneak” is probably not the best use of words. 

To understand this, I need to share a bit of background on the home I grew up in.

It was a double wide trailer.

This particular doublewide had an access door on the outside, next to the back door, where the water heater was stored.

Somehow some of our cats found a hole just big enough that they were able to sneak  in there and sleep.

I am sure it was just a nice warm place for a nap!

One side note, my cats would not have been forced to this life of crime, of sneaking in, if my mom just would have allowed them the same common courtesy as she did my siblings!

Whatever…

One morning I was taking a bath.

Again, to refer back to the double wide… don’t get me wrong, it was a great home, and for the most part, built extremely well.

It provided my family a warm place to live for 30+ years! T

hat being said, one morning whilst I was bathing, I heard a little “meow meow” coming just from the other side of the wall! 

My bath was just about to get better! 

The tub of course was surrounded by a fiber glass enclosure.

I was able to get my fingers under the very bottom of it and pry up just a little bit… I saw a little paw!

But this was not a paw that I recognized!

A new cat perhaps?

The excitement just got kicked up a notch or two!

I pried the wall out as much as I could, at best a few inches, and said: “Here kitty kitty!” As soon as I saw that paw again, I was ready!

I grabbed it and kept a hold!

I then proceeded to pull this kitty through the small gap in the wall.

After all, this was a new cat, one I did not recognize!

I had to tame it!

But as I am sure many of you know, pulling a wild cat through a small opening into a tub of water is not a good idea.

I got, what turned out to be a large tom cat, through the wall and into my bath water, but not without him getting a good swipe at my right ear.

I screamed in agony and dropped the cat in the bath water!

My Mom heard my scream, came running in and was surprised I am sure to be met by a sopping wet, wild, feral Tom Cat. 

That cat blew by her faster than fast!

Needless to say, mom did not have much sympathy for me and my ear.

Have you ever tried to get a wet and wild cat out of your house?

Not easy. 

Sorry, I feel like I have digressed.

This story is about baby kitties.

Where was I?

One night I had just gone to bed.

I was probably about 7 years old.

I was sleeping on the bottom bunk, my brother Wade on the top.

My eyes started to flutter as my eye lids got more and more heavy.

I was tired, and sleep had almost found me.

I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye! I jerked awake to find beautiful Momma Kitty standing in my bedroom door!

Silhouetted nicely by the hall light.

Knowing my Moms strict no animals in the house policy, I became nervous….

Just like in the movies….

If Mom heard or suspected anything, Momma Kitty would be unceremoniously tossed from the house!

I knew that I simply needed to not question the scenario, but just enjoy it…. I very quietly called out: “Hey Momma Kitty” “come here, jump up” as I patted the bed next to me.

This was not an easy task for Momma Kitty.

She was named Momma Kitty for a reason, she was always getting pregnant! 

This was one of those times.

Momma Kitty was so close to giving birth to yet another litter of kittens.

An important note here, Momma Kitty always had her kittens in secret places.

Half of my childhood was spent looking for litters of kittens!

Yes, Momma Kitty was pregnant and close to having those kittens, I just didn’t realize just how close she actually was! 

All was well with the world.

Mamma Kitty started her deep intoxicating purr.

I drifted off to sleep, with her nuzzled into my chest….

Sigh… 

I am not sure what it was that woke me.

It was not morning, my room was still dark, and the light in the hall was still on. 

In fact, I had probably only been asleep an hour at most.

But what I woke up to was some sight!

Momma Kitty had chosen my bed to have her kitties! 

I must emphasize here, that I was only 7 years old!

Not old enough to fully comprehend the disgustingness of my current situation!

What did I care?!

Mama Kitty just had all of her babies, and I knew exactly where they were!

They were all right here in my bed!

I cried out in excitement to Mom and Dad.

“Mom, Dad come quick! See what I’ve got!”

To their credit, both of my parents rushed into my room, for all they knew, I was supposed to be sound asleep.

“Can you believe it?”

I exclaimed!

“Momma Kitty just had her kitties, and I don’t even have to go look for them! They are all right here!”

I could not have been happier. 

Mom and Dad stood and stared.

What do you say when you are called to your youngest son’s bedroom, just to see a Momma cat cleaning up after giving birth to a whole litter of kittens?!

The look on my Mom’s face is tough to describe.

On one hand, she looked at my Dad with her best “He gets this from you.” face….

On the other, she was probably regretting the fact that she hadn’t sprung for a better mattress protector….

I hope she wasn’t too hard on herself….

I mean really….

Many times I have read the small print on Mattress protectors….

Sure, most of them claim to be water proof, but I have never seen one that touts the benefits of being able to withstand the birth of a litter of kittens….

Well, I guess you get what you pay for…. she was now probably thinking about how, if she were lucky, she’d only have to spring for new sheets and not a whole new mattress…. 

Once again, to their credit, Mom and Dad helped me put Momma Kitty and her new litter of kittens in a box.

Mom gave the only exception in my memory at least, and allowed the new additions to spend their first night in the bathroom. 

In my mind, this night could not have gone any better.

I had a brand-new batch of new kitties, and I knew exactly where they were….

However….

Mom did make me take another bath…

I was bugged…

It wasn’t even Sunday….